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Lucky Email, Lucky Me

May Men's Room

I haven’t been feeling lucky, but my email inbox says my fortunes are changing. Turns out I’m one of the elite few selected to complete an easy online survey for a department store. All I have to do is answer seven questions, and a $50 gift card is mine. That’s better than $7 a question!

First, though, I want to snag an offer on life insurance—$250,000 worth for just $15 a month, with no exam required. And after that, I’m going to get a free quote on burial insurance, because, according to an email from a Dr. Sam Walters, 11,000 people die during sex each year, so it’s possible that I’m going to get lucky and unlucky at the same time. My junk email messages are getting me prepared. All 205 of them.

For years, I stupidly deleted everything in my junk mail folder. Then I saw that I’d been missing out on endless good fortune: businesses and individuals desperately reaching out to my personal address to offer me—and only me—insider information and one-of- a-kind deals. These humanitarians want to make me a lucky guy by giving me ridiculous prices for items I haven’t known that I need.

I had no idea I could get my hands on military-grade sunglasses. Finally, I can go straight from walking my dog to invading a foreign country, and not squint even once. And I’ll have plenty of cash while I do it, because the government wants to give me a once-in-a-lifetime bailout of my mortgage.

Thanks to my new friends on junk email, I’m about to be healthier than ever. I now have access to a super food that benefits me 600 ways, I know a trick that lets me eat sweets without spiking my blood sugar, and I’ve discovered two foods that will reverse my hair loss in 19 days. If I hurry, I can get a free bottle of turmeric. That should pair neatly with the “special oil” that melts fat without dieting. And my non-diet can include certain foods that will restore my 20/20 vision. A one-minute morning routine will drop my blood pressure by 33 percent.

And I’m going to need my health. Sorry to brag, but I now have access to a supplement that will give me “more testosterone than a raging bull.” My days as a lounging bull are over. The time is right, too, because I have a message informing me that a gorgeous Asian bride could be mine. If that doesn’t work out, 20,000 Russian women want to date me. And if things go sour with the Asians and Russians, some English-speaking Ukrainians promise to make dating easy. I can say hi to singles near me. The long search for love is over. I can connect with singles today. Someone named Jeannette wants a specific part of my body.

Wait. Turns out not all my junk mail is encouraging. Seems I need new windows for my house. And an alarm system. I have a warning to stay out of America’s nursing homes. Ultra Omega Burn has noticed the stubborn belly fat hiding my abs. Someone named Dr. Digestion wants to speak to me about my bathroom visits.

Ah, just when I thought things were looking up. Now those Ukrainian women won’t have anything to do with me.

Tim Bass is coordinator of UNCW’s bachelor of fine arts program in creative writing.

To view more of illustrator Mark Weber’s work, go to www.markweberart.blogspot.com

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